We are all sick

I read blogs today of people who were reflecting on 2006. I wish I could do that. My mind is so foggy, because of this miserable cold I have. I was nice enough to share it with Meadow and DH. Yesterday and today I spent a few hours in bed cuddling with Meadow. Dazie joined us too. DH checked on us at one point yesterday, and told me we looked so cute. The three of us were zonked out.

P.S.

I forgot another special moment my family got to share:

Papa had gone through a box of photos he had found at his house. He had brought some from the early 80's. I couldn't believe how young my grandfather looked in 1980. It was interesting to find out that I remembered what the old wall paper in the kitchen looked like, the feeling of comfort seeing Papa's old recliner brought me (He has had a few since then, but it was the nostalgia that matters most).

I wish I would have asked Papa if I could borrow the pictures until I could get them scanned in, then I could make copies for everybody. There was one of me when I was two, at my cousin's first birthday, I had two cups in my hand, and was trying to drink out of them at once. It really made me laugh. Then there was one of me with Grandma's wig on. It's amazing how old memories can bring warmth to your heart.

Good times with Family

We had a very busy week end. I would like to blog more about it, but there were a few special things that I would like to write about.

First, at DH's Grandma and Grandpa's it was the first time in 20 some years the entire family was there. DH's parents had a hard time making Christmas, because FIL worked retail. This time of year is always busy for him. For the DH's cousin was in the military, so he wasn't able to make family functions. Last year DH and I couldn't make it because we didn't have any time to take off work. I think that was very special to Gma and Gpa.

Second, it was the first year were most everybody had made a holiday on my mom's side of the family also. One of my cousin's was very fashionably late, but that is his personality. Mom said he showed up an hour after the last person left, and he was bummed that he didn't get to see me. Soemthing real dear to my heart happened. My papa was sitting in the recliner. I was holding Meadow, and walked by. He grabbed her from me, and said, "Lemme hold her." It was so cool watching him interact with her. They really seemed to enjoy eachother. This is the second time they met.

I thought this was cute too, but I missed the abosolute cutest picture. Maybe, my cousin's girlfriend caught it. This is their baby (who is about a week and a half younger than Meadow). Before I got the camera, he was trying to eat Meadow's feet. They are both teething. It was really cute watching them interact with eachother, now that they are a little older.

Procrastination Nation

Hi, my name is April, and I am a procrastinator. I have put off cleaning our bedroom so long. I tried to start at it tonight, but Meadow is having a fussy night. This is her second night in a row, where she is having trouble sleeping. We are going to be with family for the week end. I have every one pakced, but me. Problem is I need to do more laundry (which is now DH's job.) He has a load that has been in the washer for the past two hours. I think I am going to have to cave and just do a load so I have something to wear over the week end.

Tonight we opened presents. We took many pictures. Meadow was fascinated with the paper. I really wish we would have opened presents earlier in the day so she would have been more intriqued by her new toys. Well we have three more Christmas's. I have a sneaking suspision she will be more interested in the paper rather than what is in the package.

Best Kept Secrets

I keep thinking of things to blog. At the instant they thought pops in my head I think it is so profound. I make note of it, and by time I get home it lost it's sentiment. I really don't know how profound you will find this entry.

I have heard businesses use the phrase, "best kept secret." Now, if your in business and it is a secret, how long do you really think you will stay in business. There was a place I went to as a kid called Rainbow Falls. It was a small water park in Central Wisconsin. They had all sorts of merchandise that said, "Wisconsin's Best Kept Secret." I thought it was a great place to go, because I had better chance of going there than Noah's Ark in Wisconsin Dells. The last time I went was about 5 years ago. The last time I drove by the place (2 months ago) it was large car dealership. See what being a best kept secret led to the demise of the water park I enjoyed going too. Sure the slides weren't as fun as Noah's Ark, but the lines were a heck of a lot short.

Do you want to know about a good best kept secret? The always vacant women's bathroom on my floor. The women's bathroom closest to my office is often full. I had to go real bad the other day, so I trekked across the atrium to the other bathroom after realizing the one closest to me was full. To my pleasant surprise I found it vacant, very clean, larger, and it had a little vanity area. Then I realized the offices close to that bathroom are full of men. The original bathroom doesn't have the vanity area, because it was converted into a Mother's Room. It is equipped with everything a lactating mother could need to express milk (except certain equipment). And I wonder why my supply dried up...

Nightmare

So, last night I had a nightmare. For some reason it is still haunting me. I know the parts that disturbed me would NEVER happen. I told DH about it this morning. I don't think he realized why I am so upset by it.

THE DREAM: These two friends of ours decided to remarried to each other (*Lucy and Bill*) after being able to work through their issues. DH and I lived in this beautiful historic house, and they wanted to get married there. At the rehearsal they played a video dedication for their friends and family. The video was interrupted with a scene from a pornography. I was convinced DH had something to do with inserted porn, so I tried to track him down. I couldn't find him or the bride and groom. After an extremely long time I found DH. I found out he had cheated on me with my mom. I was so furious. Then I found out the bride and groom were in on it too.

I am still bothered by the dream and DH's reaction to it. He said he would never cheat on me period. Subconsciously, I think I feel betrayed by him for with some of the things he does and says. There are times I bring it up and he finds a way to blame me. I blame him back. We bring up the past and other short comings.

What do you think.

I guess I am boring...and this got long

Tonight I was catching up on message boards, blogs, and other websites of interest to me--when DH asked me why I kept looking at other ppl's houses. At that moment I was looking at Heather's packing accomplishment. I sarcastically said to get ideas on how to arrange our boxes. Currently our kitchen is full of full boxes, because living in this apartment is very temporary. Hopefully in March or April we will be able to buy another house...but that depends on various other things. DH inquired about the things I write about MYSELF on line. I said Meadows Milestones and some other thing not completely related to myself. I had to open my blog and look at it and find the last entry that was really about myself was when I took up crocheting a couple of weeks ago.

It brings me to the conclusion that once you become a wife and/or a mother, your life is really not about yourself anymore. My life seems to revolve around DH and my DD (darling daughter). The other day I was reading Kelly's blog entry with photojournal about how her life has changed since becoming a mother. I really thought I should do something similar. Take my camera with me for a day and document my life. I really wish I could do a compare and contrast, but that would require a trip around the U.S. I am not prepared to make.

I guess I really don't know what to write about myself, because I don't know what you may find as interesting. Another point is that I don't really think a lot of people read this. Even though I sent out links a long while ago. I remember distinctly that a friend of mine (Beautimous) complained when I didn't update my blog regularly. Now she doesn't have regular internet service.

Lately I have felt blah though. Really I don't know what I can equate it too. The fact that I can't fit into clothes that fit one year ago, S.A.D., being in limbo at work, adjusting to the MAJOR changes that have happened in my life. Last night was the first time in a long time that I worked out. The last time I attempted to work out I remember going to the Y just to have an excuse to shower there. DH had the bathroom tore apart to get rid of a mold issue we had. As an FYI the last time I had a YMCA membership was May 2005, so about a year and a half ago. Granted since then I have majorly moved twice, got married, had a baby, and had some major issues at work I guess I can't really blame myself for letting myself go.

See I admit it, I have let myself go. Something I vowed I would never do. Well, here is to getting myself back. As part of My New Adventure I will document the "me changes". I know I have somethings I need to work on, so I will try to use this as my sounding board.

Housekeeping skills
Physical fitness
Mental health
Nutritious eating
Not playing the blame game
Effectively communicating with DH
Truly finding myself
Creating and maintaining relationships

I can sit

Yesterday, we realized Meadow can sit pretty well on her own. She can't sit for long, but it is definately a milestone in my book. She has gotten determined to hold her own bottle also. Last night DH was just holding her bottle, and she was sitting by herself sucking the bottle.

We also went to get pictures taken with Santa yesterday. I know it doesn't mean much to her yet. I can't wait to get he pictures back on Thursday. She smiled very well for the camera. I had her dressed in her Packer outfit, and Santa said that she must be a good girl if she is a Packer fan already.

Saturday, my friend gave Meadow her Exersaucer. It is an immediate hit, but Meadow has only managed to go backwards in it. Poor Miischka keeps gettting hit with it, because her favorite place to lay is in the path of the exersaucer...which only goes in circles. Meadow does know how to step sideways too and turn around in it....if we could only get her to go forward...it would save her some tears. She will realize she isn't close to me anymore and starts to cry. Our living room is so small she can't make a complete circle with it.

DH

DH is horrible at giving me gifts for the ocassion it is meant for. This year, he hit a day after Thanksgiving sale. I knew he bought my gift. He told me it was hiding in the house. I was not a bit interested. I really wanted to wait until Christmas to open the gift he bought me. I was cleaning our bedroom. When he found out, he got me out of the room, put the gift in something less see through. The bag sat in the living room in the bag for two days. I could tell it was killing DH not giving me the gift. Well, the other day I let him give me, my gift--a new digital camera.

Here are a couple of pics I took with it...

I think Dazie was trying to cuddle with Meadow...

Meadow our future Packer cheerleader.

DH is such a wonderful father. He gets all the fun of being a parent at this stage. He will play with her and sing. When he sings to her she laughs so hard. She screeches when she does it. It is so funny. It makes me laugh. The funniest part is that DH doesn't always know the words to the song, so he will make them up. He sings off key purposely. I just can't help to laugh...neither can Meadow. I should try to get video of it.

Crocheting

I decided to pick up a new hobby. Crocheting. There is a neat yarn shop in the area we moved to. On Thursday night there is a Knit Night. Some work associates and I decided to go this past week. It was a good time. I decided to make a scarf. I really don't have much done yet, but I know it is going to look awesome.

I am worried b/c DH works with the shop owners BF. She mentioned to DH that the crew I was with and I were giggly. The others at Knit Night were quiet. Hmmmm.... do I go alone next time, should I tell my collegues we need to be quiet, or not acknowledge the situtation...

Beach Babe

This is from her first time at the beach almost a month ago.

I finally took the pictures off my camera.

I didn't want to, but I couldn't take it anymore

With all the stress that came with starting my new job, my milk supply has ran out. I couldn't get Meadow to take the breast anymore. I tried to pump and only a small fraction of an ounce would come out. I stressed my self out about it. I sunk into a depression. It was horrible. I was irratible and irrational. I was hoping to go a year. I was upset with myself that I wasn't making enough milk for her anymore. After a couple of weeks I have come to terms with it.

On the week ends it was very difficult to breastfeed or pump as we got so busy. We were constantly doing something. Visiting family, moving, exploring the area. I regret it so much. I almost resented the week end.

In retrospec I could have handled things differently. I did get really shy breastfeeding in front of family. I didn't have any problem in public--full of strangers. I used to be the person who had no problem with my body...but psychologically I couldn't phathom whipping a twin out infront of DH's family. What was going on in my mind. I had issues in my family to. Mainly, it was because of the way one of my aunts asked me if I was still breastfeeding. I felt like in my head she was trying to come up with a reason to degrade me.

I think part of the reason I was so shy is that I didn't feel my family's support. Isn't that crazy? I didn't realize my FIL was breastfed until his mother told me. I know DH and BIL were breastfed. I had two aunts who breastfed, but no one seemed to be willing to offer the support I needed. DH just kept barking at me about pumping. Duh, I know I needed to pump to keep my supply up--but I am was so stressed out. When am I suposed to pump when I feel like I had to be the one to hold her and feed her. When she couldn't get milk out of either breast...what was I suposed to do. DH even critisized me for looking for online support--was I wrong in some way?

To DH breastfeeding was so important. I feel though, that he gave up on me too. He was never encouraging. He would just tell me how many ounces he needed for her while I was away. To him it was all a numbers game. I know he is upset that I blame him, and he doesn't think it was his fault, but c'mon I could have used the support and encouragement.