Melting my heart in the coldest season

My daughters have come to an age where they make me melt. It does not matter how cold it is outside, they say and do things that spread warmth.
The other day, I was making breakfast. Meadow was in the kitchen watching me. It is one of her favorite activities – watching me cook. Anyway, she says, “I like Lily. Lily is my best friend.” How could that not get to my heart? Seeing my two girls at such young ages already considering each other their best friend (Okay, so Lil wasn’t so quick or forthright to say her big sister is her best friend). She may not say it, but she shows it in other ways.
It is so nice to be home with the girls right now. I get like an extra 9 hours of one on one time with Lily a week while Meadow is at preschool. Lily enjoys the opportunity to be just her and me. I feel so bad that the 2nd (3rd, 4th, and so on) child doesn’t get the time to be the center of attention – the parents only focus of attention. I feel that preschool is definitely making that up for Lily. Preschool is uncertain for Lil. I would love to put her in a program, but as long as our futures are uncertain so will preschool.

Lily does know how to make me melt. She will wrap her arms around my neck with all her strength. At least I think she is using all of her strength. She pulls my ear next to her head and says, “I love you, Mommy.” I don’t think there is anything more precious than hearing your toddler tell you that they love you. I could sit all day and listen to her talk. Her telling me she loves me is her key to anything she wants – within reason.

It cracks me up when I ask Meadow to do something she doesn’t want to do she will say, “No, thank you.” I am glad she has manners, but that is really not the response I am looking for. When I ask her to clean up and she is willing she says, “Music helps me.” Lily will say “Okay, “ or “Sure”. But it is rare that Lily is willing to help pick up.

Snuggly Poohs

Last night Lily would fall asleep when I nursed her. As soon as I put her down she woke up again. IT was going on midnight. I desperately wanted sleep. I brought her in bed next with me. I snuggled her close. I kept a breast easily accessable for her to nurse when she needed too. Everytime Chris moved I woke to make sure he didn't roll onto Lily.

Sometime between 5 and 6 he got up. I was able to get a couple hours of good sleep then. When I finally felt like I had enough rest I noticed Lily was cuddled real close to me. I felt really at peace with that. It was nice to know that she just really wanted to be by momma after she had a bad day of getting shots.

Through out today I cuddled with her. She still wasn't feeling well. This morning she vommitted. Actually this afternoon too. I took her temp, and it was slightly elevated. I was told that her temp would be higher than normal due to the shots she had. I wasn't concerned. I just kept cuddling with her until I put her down for the night.

Meadow was in a cuddley mood too. After the first time Lily puked on me, I had an opportunity to shower. While I was in the shower I stopped hearing Meadow playing around. I got dressed, and came into the living room to check things out. To my amazement, Meadow had fallen asleep in Chris's arms. She looked so peaceful and cute. I would have taken a picture, but my camera wasn't immediately available. For the remainder of the day Meadow took every opportunity she could to cuddle with Chris or me. It was such a nice day, and before I knew it--it was 6 PM.

Much needed updates

Last Wednesday I went back to work. The transistion has been tough--very emotional. It was worse the second time around, and I had a short week. There are a lot of new faces and changes that occurred while I was gone. It is VERY hard getting back into the swing of things.

I took Meadow in for a check up (she needed a shot). She is up to 23 pounds. They said she was 31", but she was standing funny (I think she may be closer to 32). And the doctor did not force the chicken pox vaccine on her. He actually doesn't push it. She has been really crabby lately and we found the reason why at the appt. She is cutting molars. I got her a real tooth brush. She doesn't seem to mind me brushing her teeth. I tried to give her the brush, but she didn't want it. I think it is odd, because she likes to brush her hair and everyone else's (lily included). Tonight I did get her to "brush" her teeth after I did them. She really liked it, and I had to take the tooth brush away from her.

Lily is doing well in childcare. Friday we go in for a well baby check up. I will try to update after that. She has started "talking". It is so cure. She likes to hold conversations with the mobile when she wakes up. It is so cute. She isn't as smiley as Meadow was.

We are having issues with Lily bonding with Chris. She will only tolerate him for so long and then will break out in a cry. I had to work a little late tonight, so Chris picked up the kids. The whole time he had Lily she cried. She didn't even stop crying to drink her 2 ounces of EBM. Any suggestions would be great. We are all frustrated.

Update on my deep thoughts

Things are getting better--we have been keeping the communication lines open. It is still a struggle at times, but I feel we are making progress.

Chris has been receptive to what I have to say, and he is listening. He still interprets my words as nagging or yelling when I am not raising my voice or using a different tone.

He has been treated for depression before, and is reluctant to be treated again. After some research (that was easy to get) I found out that the treatments he had before had REALLY bad side effects. That was over 10 years ago. I think there are new methods out now that are better. I think there may be more natural ways to treat his depression.

I know my hormones will come to an end in a few weeks...

Deep Thoughts by April...

Lately, I have been really troubled. Nothing is good enough for me. I can't seem to get happy...

Chris and I have had 3 conversations about it, and I feel like nothing gets resolved. He says he is willing to fix whatever is making me unhappy, but I don't know what it is...so how can I give him a solution when I really don't know what the problem is.

I have gotten to a point to where I don't really do anything anymore--outside of my house and my relationship with my family. Why? Because twice now I have said something and it got back to Chris out of context. It made me mad that Chris didn't try to figure out what I said and not defend me.

I really don't want to turn this into a Chris gripe, but maybe there are some underlying things that are getting to me. At this point in my pregnancy with Meadow he was so understanding and helpful. Now nothing. I have to beg him to do laundry and unload the dishwasher. These are two things I physically can't do. I can't reach to the bottom of the washer. I can't stand on anything to put dishes away. Bending over is another story. My center of balance is off.

I fell last week end, and now I am afraid it will happen again. What am I to do? Last week end I missed the last step going down to the basement, so now I refuse to go down there. Last week end I am glad that I was able to catch myself before I hit my belly hard. My right arm and leg took the brunt of the fall.

I guess while I am at it...one thing that really bothers me about Chris is he has let his hygeine go. He hasn't showered all week end. He wonders why I don't want to be close to him...he stinks. I tell him to shower and it is like he doesn't care. I gotta go...I have realized I have a whole bunch of stuff I need to talk to him about...