Saturday, December 02, 2006

I didn't want to, but I couldn't take it anymore

With all the stress that came with starting my new job, my milk supply has ran out. I couldn't get Meadow to take the breast anymore. I tried to pump and only a small fraction of an ounce would come out. I stressed my self out about it. I sunk into a depression. It was horrible. I was irratible and irrational. I was hoping to go a year. I was upset with myself that I wasn't making enough milk for her anymore. After a couple of weeks I have come to terms with it.

On the week ends it was very difficult to breastfeed or pump as we got so busy. We were constantly doing something. Visiting family, moving, exploring the area. I regret it so much. I almost resented the week end.

In retrospec I could have handled things differently. I did get really shy breastfeeding in front of family. I didn't have any problem in public--full of strangers. I used to be the person who had no problem with my body...but psychologically I couldn't phathom whipping a twin out infront of DH's family. What was going on in my mind. I had issues in my family to. Mainly, it was because of the way one of my aunts asked me if I was still breastfeeding. I felt like in my head she was trying to come up with a reason to degrade me.

I think part of the reason I was so shy is that I didn't feel my family's support. Isn't that crazy? I didn't realize my FIL was breastfed until his mother told me. I know DH and BIL were breastfed. I had two aunts who breastfed, but no one seemed to be willing to offer the support I needed. DH just kept barking at me about pumping. Duh, I know I needed to pump to keep my supply up--but I am was so stressed out. When am I suposed to pump when I feel like I had to be the one to hold her and feed her. When she couldn't get milk out of either breast...what was I suposed to do. DH even critisized me for looking for online support--was I wrong in some way?

To DH breastfeeding was so important. I feel though, that he gave up on me too. He was never encouraging. He would just tell me how many ounces he needed for her while I was away. To him it was all a numbers game. I know he is upset that I blame him, and he doesn't think it was his fault, but c'mon I could have used the support and encouragement.


Heather said...

Giving up breastfeeding is a hard thing to do, but if its not working for you and all you feel is frustration, then a happy mom is better. Don't feel bad about any decisions you make, you are doing a great job!

Candace said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I totally agree with Heather tho - do not feel bad about your decision. You did the best you could and you're doing great! I give any working mom who still BF's a hand - I don't know how you did it at all!