Hopeless due to feeling stagnant

I love my family with all of my heart. From my immediate family, to my extended family, and to my friends in the Midwest. I miss them deeply—and it depresses me. What depresses me even more is my work situation. I feel so hopeless and stagnant there. It is like I am going no where. There seems to be no room for growth for me.

My boss does not try to develop us to be better employees or try to contribute more. I honestly believe she is intimidated by me, because I am goal oriented. She seems to pick on people. The work atmosphere is worse than the atmosphere at the high school I attended. She hasn’t attempted to pick on me since I have been back from maternity leave, but I am waiting for her to try. I have noticed she is picking on a coworker of mine. I really feel for the coworker, because for a long time I was the target of my bosses ridicule. There was and is no reason for it. This girl just wants to do a good job. She puts forth an honest effort. I have double checked her work and for her experience level she has done a very good job. I kind of think I was getting picked on and my coworker is currently getting picked on because my boss is lazy.

This is what I see in common: when I got done with a project, I would ask for a new one. My coworker does the same thing. My boss doesn’t have anything “ready” because she is busy doing personal work. She will give some mundane project, like go over other projects you did (like ones that are already being produced) and make sure everything you were supposed to do is done. Hello!!! It had to be complete in order for us to send it on to be produced. I know my coworker is extremely bored.

What then happens is the boss will find something to pick on her for. Like asking me a work related question. IE we were discussing a process and she would get told to stop talking. OK, I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks and a process changed. I was curious to the details I needed to know. Today, we got snipped being on break when she was on break. I was under the impression that we were allowed two breaks a day (not including lunch). Really, we just were introducing ourselves to the new person in our department.

For my family and friends in the Midwest: We (DH, my child, and I) need your prayers and wishes that I can get a job back in the general vicinity. I have talked to a recruiter for a company some time ago. Tonight, I applied for several jobs. I need to be happy, and let’s face it—this is the most miserable I have felt. I deserve to be happy. I have a loving husband and precious daughter. I shouldn’t have to feel like my work situation is wearing me down.

My Little Packer Fan

It must be in our genetics! Meadow and I were watching the Packer/Bengals game tonight. She was pretty content watching the game. Then, when Brett threw the first interception, Meadow started crying. I don't think she liked that. I put her down after I got her calmed down, and she started crying until I could position her to see the game.

Updates

Working hasn't given me much time to blog. Anyway, I am super comfortable with the babysitter. DH and Meadow do fine together during the day. I just hate being at work. It would be different if we were busy, but this is our slow time. My mind often wonders to Meadow.

We have reached some milestones this week. Meadow is more alert and seems to really be looking at us. If we ask her to smile (with a big smile) she will smile back. She has also gotten to be quite the talker. I was reading her a Dr. Suess story today, and she kept cooing. I take it she likes Dr. Suess. Today, I went grocery shopping, and noticed she was trying to sit up in her car seat. It was really reclined in the shopping cart. It seemed to me that she was trying to sit up and look around. DH was holding her tonight, and he said that she kept pulling her head forward. At the moment he had her propped on her legs. She somehow ended up on his belly totally uneffected. DH thinks she was practicing gymnastics. With how well she likes baths, water, and tumbling I wonder if she will be a swimmer or a gymnast?

I had my 6 week check up this week. While in the waiting room I was reading a local parenting magazine (which I brought home with me). I FINALLY found some mommy and me gym classes for newborn on up. I would really like to do water exercises with her. Also, there were local mom's clubs listed. I really want to look into that. I think it would be good for us to get out and meet other moms in our age group.

I don't want to do this

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Today, was extremely difficult. I could handle her going to the babysitter. I could handle leaving in the morning. What I can't handle is feeling like I didn't spend enough time with her. When we got home tonight I was exhausted. I had a hard time entertaining her and trying to get something for me to eat. I really don't like this frustration I feel. I really wish I could be a stay at home mom. I would even settle for a work at home mom. I just want to be home with my darling daughter. Well, I better get to bed.

Refections from the week

I had the busiest week since having Meadow.

Saturday, I had a baby shower. Left Meadow with DH for about 3 hours. It was nice to interact with adults.

Sunday, we went to BIL's, and didn't get home until 1:30ish am.

Monday was spent recovering from the really late night.

Tuesday cleaned house. We usually do that on the week end, but spending time with friends and family trumps cleaning. I had a neighbor come over for a visit early afternoon. Another bit of nice adult interaction.

Wednesday we had a visit from DH's aunt and uncle. We hadn't seen them in over a year, so it was real nice to spend time with them. I wanted to run errands Wednesday night, but DH accidently took both sets of keys with him to work. Good thing there wasn't an emergency.

Thursday I got pampered with a day spa package. I had a massage, facial, pedicure, and manicure. It was so refreshing. I should have done it along time ago. I finally ran the errands I needed too. Still neglected the weekly grocery shopping, which I know I am going to have to do on the week ends now. Anyway, I was going to have a bunch of friends over. We normally take turns getting together at eachother's houses. We chat and snack on appetizers and desserts. I was expecting 8 people. Only two showed up. I had made turtle brownies, salsa roll ups, and put together a cheese and sausage plate. I also bought a fruit tray. Needless, to say I have a lot of left over snacks....and darn the really tastey brownies.

Friday we went to the park. See previous post.

Today DH is working on a built in entertainment center. I did the grocery shopping for the week and returned some items at Target. I have heard people complain about the return policy at Target, but I had no problem returning the items sans receipt.

I am not sure what tomorrow will bring. If the weather is nice I would like to go to the park again.

"The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades"

We went for a walk in a park yesterday. I bought Meadow some sunglasses to wear while we are outside to protect her beautiful still blue eyes. She looked so cute:

We took the dogs too. The walk goes along a river, and the dogs had an opportunity to go swimming. Really, only Dazie enjoys swimming, and Miischka wouldn't go deeper than her belly. I nursed Meadow while the dogs and DH played in the water. Then we walked the path for about an hour and a half. Meadow was fussy for about half of it. One clean diaper later she was fine. It was so difficult to find a place to change her. I ended up changing her on top of a picnic table. On top of that we would have liked some water, but none of the close by establishments were open. Those were the only negatives of the day. If we were better planners we could have avoided thristing almost to death.

Nap Time!

I asked DH to watch Meadow while I showered yesterday. I sat her in the boppy next to him on the couch. When I finished, I came out in the livingroom to find this:

First College Party

Do you remember yours? All I remember from mine is standing in a circle with my friends in a crowded basement getting beer spilled on me. I know I didn't have a good time and kept asking myself why people went these parties. I paid $5 to get in, and I was sure I was wearing more than that in beer.

Last night we took Meadow to BIL's apartment. He goes to college close by. Two of his roommates were there along with some of his friends. DH played beer pong. We played Gestures and Scene It. It was hilarious. I laughed so hard a couple of times I thought my stitches were going to rip. Meadow was a trooper. She got passed around, and didn't really fuss unless her diaper was full or her belly empty. I was so happy to see that she was so good with strangers. It was so nice to have adult social time.

DH said that she did well at her first college party. Well he probably thought that, because he didn't have to worry about our daughter being at meat market.

Good People

I haven't heard from my mom in a week. Actually, over a week. The last time I dialed her number I talked to my brother. I was on his case about getting a job. Anyway, she was at a bar tonight, she was about to leave, and a friend of hers walked in. This friend I haven't seen in awhile, and I know she hasn't seen him in awhile. Anyway, from what I got from the conversation he made her take his cell phone and call me.

When I answered the phone, I saw that it was an area code from the area I grew up in. The prefix was foriegn to me, but being that most of my family lives in that area code I answered the phone. On the other end there was a familiar male voice. I demanded to know who it is, because who really has my cell phone number? I only gave it to people I want to contact me. He was unsure if I would remember him, because the last time I soberly talked to him I was still in high school...maybe 16 at the oldest. He told me his name and asked if I knew who he was. I repeated his name with his last name. He was happy to know I remembered him. Actually, the last time I talked to him was shortly before I started dating Chris. It was at a bar--I couldn't have been too drunk, because I remember talking to him and which bar it was. And it wasn't the Moose.

This is the second time in the last month an old friend of my mom's has donated a cell phone for her to call me on. Well, insisted she call me from his/her cell phone. I believe though these people secretly wanted my phone number and to talk to me also.

Above I mentioned the Moose. The last time I was there my cousin (who isn't much younger than me) told me I was too old to be there. OK, so the bar is a bit of a meat market, but I only go there to visit my single friends. Or to be supportive of them. This cousin was probably 21, and I was 24 or 25...

Anyway, I really appreciate everything anyone has done to help my mom and I stay intouch. It has really been hard for us being this far away from eachother.

Change is Good

I hope you don't mind the changes...I was in need of some.

Changing clothes

In reference to Heather's blog entry tonight~She posted the question: Why is it when you put on clean clothes they manage to spit up 2 minutes later?

Well here it is 3 am. I have changed Meadow's clothes 3 times already tonight and mine once. The first for both of us was I had finished feeding her. She burped and started to fuss. So, I sat her in my lap so she could look around like she likes to do. She started filling her diaper. Then, she seemed to relax (a sign that she is done filling her diaper). I took her into her room to change her diaper. I layed her on the changing pad and realized she had poop all over her leg, arm, and bodysuit. I finished changing her and realize I had poop on my shirt and arm. The second time I changed her outfit was because I was changing another poopy diaper. I was about to put a clean diaper on her and she peed. She soaked the clothes she had on. I put her down. I went to the bathroom and I heard her coughing. I ran out to see that she spit up all over herself warranting another change of clothes.

Now if only I would have been smart enough to burp her before I changed her the second time I could have avoided her peeing all over and spitting up all over on herself.

1 Month and Milestones

I wrote some before, but my computer turned off. I lost the entire entry. It must mean those thoughts were not meant to be read.

It has been far too long since I have written. On August 2nd Meadow slept on her belly. She made it fine through the night. I did put her in her bassinet on her side, but she rolled onto her belly.

Sorry the photo quality is blurry, I didn't want to wake her with the flash. She looked so cute with her arms and legs tucked under her.

On August 4th, I took her to my workplace to meet my coworkers. Of course they woke her from her deep nap. I couldn't feed her at the moment and she wanted booby! I put a pacifier in her mouth and she grabbed out. She held onto it for quite some time before dropping it. The next night I was giving her a bath and she grasped the wash clothe with her toes. She has mighty strong toes...I had to pry the wash clothe out of her toes to finish her bath.

Since Saturday night we have been letting her sleep through the night. She nurses well during the day and has plenty of wet and dirty diapers. She seems healthy, so why not let the rest of us be healthy?

Yesterday she turned 1 month old. Here is a picture I took to document her growth and changes:

My thoughts on Motherhood thus far

I love it! I love being home all day with my daughter. It is truly a gift. I wish I didn't have to go back to work. It is so great to wake up to a crying baby and feed and change her. It is so rewarding knowing I can help her, shape her mentally and emotionally, be silly for no particular reason. I think the best part of my day is reading her stories or poems. No, maybe it is looking down at her while she is eating, and she shoots me a big gummy smile as she leaks milk out of her mouth all over me. OK, maybe it is when all she wants in the world is to be by me.

I know she may not always be this way, but I want to enjoy it while I can. I am actually pretty upset I have to go back to work in a couple of weeks. I will miss my mornings with Meadow. She wakes up, coos, starts to whine. So I get her, change her diaper, feed her. Then we cuddle for a few minutes. Then I read her a story or talk to her for a bit. She takes a nap for a couple of hours...just enough time fore me to shower and eat breakfast. If she fusses while I am doing one of these activities DH will get her and keep her occupied until I am ready for her.

Motherhood is the hardest job I have ever had, and the one I want to succeed at the most. It is one where I can see/know how I am doing right away by the way Meadow reacts. Sure right now it is a lot of trial and error, but really what job isn't trial and error?

Tiny

OK, so everyone keeps telling me how little Meadow is, and because she is a newborn I didn't really think about it. Well, then I posted the picture in the previous post. I kept looking at it, and now I realize how tiny she really it.

BTW, Candace, hopefully your next child is a girl! Then Connor will have to grow up to be really strong to fend off the boys. Or maybe you and Tim will just have to work out more to fend of the girls that will be after Connor too (because he is so cute).

Too Cute to Not Share

Isn't she beautiful? DH didn't like the outfit much, but he will have to get used to it...we have a daughter not a son :P It is super hot today and very sunny. We went to introduce Meadow to the daycare provider. I had to make sure she looked super cute before we left.

The Game of Tag

We have been tagged by Elizabeth

3 Things That Scare Me:
-The bouncy seat
-Silence
-When Mom doesn't come when I start fussing

3 People That Make Me Laugh:
-About the only thing I cooed at is Mommy's boob

3 Things I Love:
-Mommy's boob
-When Daddy sings
-Looking around

3 Things I Dislike:
-The bouncy seat
-Having a dirty diaper
-Having an empty belly

3 Things I Like To Play With:
I really don't play yet, but I am mesmerized by the dangly things on the swing.

3 Things I Don't Understand:
-Where mommy is when I can't see or hear her
-Where daddy goes everyday
-Why the puppies have to fight when I am trying to eat

3 Things On My Dresser:
-Basket full of toys
-Clothes that are too big for me
-books

3 Things I'm Doing Right Now:
-Napping
-Filling my pants
-Dreaming about milk

3 Things I Can Do:
-Fill my pants
-Eat like a champ
-Scoot around to make mommy or daddy wonder where I can go

3 Ways to Describe My Personality:
-Stubborn
-Content
-High Maintenance

3 Things I Can't Do:
-Crawl
-Talk
-Eat solid foods

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To:
-Daddy singing
-The music my swing plays
-Baby Einstein CD's (especially at bath time)

3 Things I Think You Should Never Listen To:
-Dazie barking
-The doorbell
-Silence

3 Absolute Favorite Foods:
-Breastmilk
-My arms
-My fingers

3 Things I'd Like to Learn:
-How to crawl
-How to sit up
-How to talk

3 Beverages I Drink Regularly:
The only thing I really consume is Breastmilk

3 Shows I Watch:
-The shows on Discovery Channel
-Becker
-Soaps with Mom

3 Or More People I Tag: I don't know anyone to tag!