Friday, February 19, 2010

Bliss, Anxious, Excited, and Nervous

For any of my FaceBook friends, you will see my status says, “anxious, excited, and nervous.” There are some responses from close family members cheering me on my new endeavor. I am confident that I will do a good job, but change always brings me a myriad of emotions.
I think I can add a positive emotion to the list. That is bliss. Bliss combined with excitement. This morning my inbox greeted me with an e-mail from my future boss. He said he is looks forward to working with me. He feels that I will be valuable to the organization. It made me so happy and excited to read such kind words about myself. My self esteem was pretty shattered when I left my last job. I feel that this job will have the reverse affect. After being in industry awhile, I think this change will be good for the future of my career.
I am anxious and nervous about the changes we are going through. Because, there is so many loose ends here Chris and the girls will stay here to tie them up. I will stay at my mom’s and commute in the meantime. We will see each other on the weekends. I can’t wait to be settled in. I really don’t like living in limbo from week to week. I am also nervous about not living up to my new company’s expectations. I hate letting people down.
I will miss dropping Meadow off at school. I dropped her off for the last time today. I love looking at the bulletin boards filled with projects. Right now they have one that says, “I have a gold medal in…” Each child made a gold medal that says what they are good at. Meadow’s says, “Helping Mommy”. It makes me melt. The other bulletin board has hearts on with why Jesus loves them. Meadow’s says, “Jesus loves me, because I am me, Meadow.” The teachers keep telling me how much they like having her in class, because she is so sweet. This morning really hit me hard with realizing I won’t get to see what Meadow accomplishes. She is so proud of the work she does in school.
I will also miss snuggling in bed with Lily in the mornings and her general goofiness. Today, she is walking around talking in her pirate voice.
Don’t worry, I will miss Chris too. I hate being away from him just as much as I hate being away from the girls.
There are many positives to this job. First, we will be able to live more comfortably. We will be closer to our family. I will feel comfortable finding someone to watch the girls so Chris and I can go on dates more often….

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Getting to know me

Candace over at Twiggie makes had a Tuesday Top 10 Getting to Know You. Here are my answers:
Top Ten: Getting to know YOU!
1) What would you call yourself if you could choose your own name? I am not sure. When I was younger I hated my name, and my mom said I could go by my middle name. I never have.

2) What was your worst date (as in going out on a date, not an actual calendar date…unless you have a really bad one to share)? I went on a date with a guy to Applebees. He told me his spending limit as we were looking over the menu, and I didn't have money with to pay for myself...

3) If you had to teach one subject in high school or college, what would it be? Family and Consumer Ed

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? I can’t remember. I can remember about an hour ago, I laughed so hard it hurt.

5) What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you? Listen when I had a problem.

6) If money or skill-set was no issue, what would you love to do for a living? Fashion design

7) What is one thing as an adult/parent/spouse you do that you swore you would never do? Leave my kids act up in public.

8) If you could go back to one particular time in your life (not to live, not to change anything, just to visit) when would it be? College

9) If your walls could talk, what would they say about you (good & bad)? I am a caring individual and lack patience.

10) If you could fix or put an end to one problem in the world what would it be? War

Turning down a new path

I am consumed by positive and negative emotions. I am on a path to bettering myself, my family, and hopefully our quality of life. I don’t have too many more days before I leave, and start the journey alone.
We are relocating for my job. I found it through When I read it I thought it was too good to be true. 1. It was in my field of study. 2. The company is closer to our families. 3. The pay is more than I was getting at my last job. 4. They needed someone ASAP.
The job isn’t what I have been doing for the past 6+ years, but it does interest me. After feeling like a failure in my last job, maybe it is time for a minor career change. I like to learn and grow. I hate feeling stagnant. Slightly off topic, but do have you ever felt stagnant somewhere even though you were still growing? Almost like you knew the ceiling wasn’t far away? In my situation, I felt like no matter what I did, it would be near impossible to break through the ceiling and move onto the next level.
It is difficult to muster up any motivation to pack, clean, and prepare. I find myself trying to spend time with my family or doing stuff to put off the inevitable. This morning I spent a good 15 minutes babying Lily…I am sure she didn’t mind at all.
This brings me onto another topic. Everything has happened so quickly, I am not quite sure how I feel living within an hour of where I grew up. I always thought it was a good place to be from…far from. In reality it is a great place to raise a family. I feel that way about this state in general. The education system is good. What if my family members don’t like it? I want the girls to have more opportunity than I did…I hope they get it. DH says he will like it, but I am not confident he will. I am not sure how much of my family he can take. Hopefully we can find a good balance.
I feel like I will fit in great with the company, but I feel insecure about their opinions of me. They seemed so welcoming when I was there. I just want them to like me, and for me to not let them down.
Maybe, I keep trying to think negative thoughts, because everything has worked out so seamlessly this far. There are a bunch of things that aren’t so smooth – but the interview process was too smooth…

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Melting my heart in the coldest season

My daughters have come to an age where they make me melt. It does not matter how cold it is outside, they say and do things that spread warmth.
The other day, I was making breakfast. Meadow was in the kitchen watching me. It is one of her favorite activities – watching me cook. Anyway, she says, “I like Lily. Lily is my best friend.” How could that not get to my heart? Seeing my two girls at such young ages already considering each other their best friend (Okay, so Lil wasn’t so quick or forthright to say her big sister is her best friend). She may not say it, but she shows it in other ways.
It is so nice to be home with the girls right now. I get like an extra 9 hours of one on one time with Lily a week while Meadow is at preschool. Lily enjoys the opportunity to be just her and me. I feel so bad that the 2nd (3rd, 4th, and so on) child doesn’t get the time to be the center of attention – the parents only focus of attention. I feel that preschool is definitely making that up for Lily. Preschool is uncertain for Lil. I would love to put her in a program, but as long as our futures are uncertain so will preschool.

Lily does know how to make me melt. She will wrap her arms around my neck with all her strength. At least I think she is using all of her strength. She pulls my ear next to her head and says, “I love you, Mommy.” I don’t think there is anything more precious than hearing your toddler tell you that they love you. I could sit all day and listen to her talk. Her telling me she loves me is her key to anything she wants – within reason.

It cracks me up when I ask Meadow to do something she doesn’t want to do she will say, “No, thank you.” I am glad she has manners, but that is really not the response I am looking for. When I ask her to clean up and she is willing she says, “Music helps me.” Lily will say “Okay, “ or “Sure”. But it is rare that Lily is willing to help pick up.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Beating Myself Up

This isn't intended to be a pity post. I just need to blow off some steam, because I am really upset with myself. Well maybe not really upset, but just upset.

I am mad that I am feeling so many negative feelings lately. I feel if I get them out then I will feel better:)

Part of it is about finding a job. I feel so inadequate. The economy isn't great, and I am not sure that I have what it takes to set myself apart from the other applicants in the pile. I had an awesome phone interview last week. They called me back within an hour to set up the second interview. I was on cloud 9 for awhile. I don't want to get my hopes up and have them smashed. This is a job in the same industry - but it isn't a job I have done before. It is not on the career path I set forth for myself. It is a great opportunity. So great it is perfect. Too perfect, because it would put my closer to where I grew up. I get to diversify my career and be close to family all at the same time.

Today, I got a call from the HR dept from another company I applied at months ago. Unfortunately, I was in the shower, but she did leave a message. I called her back when it was a better time for me. She did not answer, so I left a message. Then, I found out she also called a friend of mine. My friend told me of the updates to the job, and has a phone interview scheduled. I am still waiting for this person to call me back. Now is where the negative feelings come in. I know what my friend has to offer. I know what I have to offer, but now I am sitting here wondering how we measure up. Friend, if you are reading this - there are no hard feelings towards you. I think you need to go for this opportunity and everyone that is presented to you. Back to me - I feel inadequate without even talking to the HR person. I really don't know why. Maybe it is because when they initially posted the job they had certain standards, and I am aware they are lowering the standards. I feel competitious and inadequate all at once here. If this opportunity worked out for me, we wouldn't have to move.

Not, that you need to continue to read about my shortcomings, but there is one more thing that is bothering me. This is something I can fix. If I can get in the correct mindset - this problem will go away. It is 100% mental. I cannot lose weight. I see small successes and then I am back to where I started. I am so lazy about weight loss. For the most part I eat pretty good. It is the getting up and getting moving part I need to do. I can do it, and I know it. I just have no desire to do it. As I am writing this, I am thinking of all the things I did to lose 10 pounds a year ago. So, now I just have to do it. Although, one of the things is a six week commitment and comes at a price...I need to figure out how to make that work.

I can relate to these

My MIL sent this to me today. I had to share, because I could relate to too many.

1) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2) I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3) There is a great need for sarcasm font.
4) How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
5) I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
6) MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
7) Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
8) I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
9) Bad decisions make good stories
10) You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
11) I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
12) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
13) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
14) As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
15) I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
16) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Self Disappointment

I always figured it wasn't as bad to disappoint yourself as it is others. How come the disappointment I have caused myself is causing me so much pain? I can't look at myself, and I don't want to be me.

For weeks (and by weeks I mean months) I have tried to lose weight by eating better and exercise. It has gotten me no where. I go in for my physical. I think my thyroid is causing my body to hold onto fat. Nope, everything is normal. I don't know what normal is. I asked for them to send me the results. I should get them soon. He told the nurse to encourage me to exercise 20 minutes a day! Are you serious...20 minutes each day? That is all? That does not seem at all adequate to me.

The other part of the disappointment is he only did one of the four thyroid tests. I don't think that is sufficient. How do I advocate for myself to get the rest done when they don't think the rest are necessary, because this came in range?

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been doing something wrong all a long. And now with winter here, exercise is going to get less attractive. I just can't believe I haven't gotten this right yet.

Monday, October 06, 2008


Lily is finally walking. She still crawls around obstacles, but she can and will walk across a room. I am so excited for her! Woot Woot! Go Lily.

I will attempt to take a video of her, as it is so cute to watch her wobble as she walks.